Defending Dennis Leary

I love Dennis Leary. He's smart, acerbic, funny as Hell, and I usually agree with him. He's got a new book, "Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid"(Viking, $24.95). The book hit stores yesterday, and Leary's already been on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" having to explain his controversial remarks about autism and parenting.

"For me, the reason for writing the chapter was because I know people who have children with autism, and I'm offended by people actually trying to seek out a low-level diagnosis for their kids because they're too lazy to deal with their kids' behavior," Leary said.

Leary told Joe Scarborough he has friends who have an autistic child. He said these people are excellent parents who are devoted to their child. Leary acknowledged the amount of time and energy raising a child with Autism demands, and he praised parents who face this challenge.

I get what he's saying and I agree. He's talking about parents of emotionally troubled children. Parents who, rather than take a long hard look in the mirror, spin their wheels blaming other people, the school or even an inaccurate diagnosis.

"Why We Suck" also skewers Britney Spears, religion, pop culture, and other subjects he finds attack-worthy. According to an interview he gave the Detroit Free Press recently, he had planned to go after Oprah, but started watching her show and changed his mind. "The Oprah thing completely turned around on me. As soon as I started doing the research, I got sucked into the vortex of Oprah." No one can resist the Power of the Oprah!

Plus, Leary's not someone who attacks for the sake of attacking. "I wrote the book because I think it's funny," he says. "My track record's pretty good. And as a comedian I've been accused of a lot of things -- shocking, controversial, loud. Never stupid. I've never been called stupid. I stand by what I wrote."

Now, if you'll excuse me -- Barnes & Nobles opens in a few and I need to see a man about a book...


Your Daily George: I think it is the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George Carlin.

Love This Guy

Our Guy won. Somewhere, George Carlin is smiling. Or maybe he's still laughing at all of us poor bastards down here. Anyhoo - "Your Daily George" is on hiatus. At least until I again feel the need to summon his wit and wisdom.

So, as a little mental sorbet, I decided last week to quote from "How To Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old," by Abigail Van Buren(God-rest-her-soul):

YOUR DAILY ABBY: How do you dress?

You don't have to spend a fortune on your wardrobe to be well-dressed. Wear what looks best on YOU, never mind what's 'in.' Avoid extremes; Don't wear clothes that are 'too' anything. I mean, too tight, too loose, too revealing, too 'old' for you, too 'young' for you, too gawdy or too drab.

Let your clothes play up your best features -- and hide your worst. If you're six ax-handles across the rear, avoid skin tight jeans.

People, my new favorite phrase is "six ax-handles across the rear." Abby can bring it! Who knew??

Have you met my daughter, Completely Inappropriate Girl?

warning: The surgeon general has determined that this story, while completely true, is horrifyingly disturbing on every level.

(backstory: Brooke and Brad really, really dislike the actress/songstress/seductress that is Hannah Montana, "...because she's 16 but she acts like she's so old...like twenty, or something." I find that pretty insightful for a couple of tiny monkeys.)

So, it's Sunday night. My chillens have been hopped-up on sugar for the past three days and are crashing... 3...2...1...now. They've been alternately laughing hysterically and hurling peanut M&Ms at each other. Because my daughter, age 9, wrote this lovely "What Would You Do?" question about her brother, age 11:

If Brad had to go to the Bathroom realy Bad But the Bathroom Door was locked. What would he do? There is no door unlocker or any other Bathrooms. And the door was made of steel so you couldnt Bash the Door with a sludge hammer and hannah-Montana is watching you and standing right next to you? So whats your answer? And you have no other pair of pants or clothes or anything Because Hannah-montana wizzed her Pants 33 times so she had to Borrow your close.

Anser: Pee on hannah-Montana when she is unconches.

If you'll excuse me, I have to do some Internet research. There's got to be a Mexican pharmacy that can Fedex me some Xanax...

And now, for something Completely Uncalled For.

Your Daily George:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm. George Carlin

I so wanted this to be true...

(Click to enlarge. Funny, but photoshopped.)

I sent it to my Mom, who just called and asked, "Listen, is that picture of Sarah Palin and the little girl with the fuck finger real??"

People, you haven't lived until you've heard your 64 year old Mother say, "fuck finger."


You Daily George:
This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. George Carlin, on SNL

I'm a-swoonin.'

Martin Landau's a Hot Older Dude. There I said it.

















I don't have many words to go along with the pictures. This isn't a biography of Mr. Landau. Just me going public with my Old Man Crush. I recently took my kids to see "City of Embers," in which he has a small, yet scene-stealing role. His character is craggy, crabby, absent-minded, a little grimy, but endearing and yes, exuding Martin Landau Hotness. Go see it. And every other film he's made. And move "Mission Impossible" to the top of your Netflix queue.










Don't worry, Young Martin Landau -- you'll be making the ladies swoon for DECADES!


Your Daily George: I think it is the duty of the comedian to figure out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George Carlin

Separated at birth?

I had a total "Ah-Ha!" moment when I looked at this photo of me taken last Thanksgiving.

The pinpoint pupils, over-bleached hair the color of straw, sassy wardrobe way too young for my age... I'm TOTALLY going as Cindy McCain for Halloween.














I'm just sayin'...




Your daily George: Little-Known Fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day(George Carlin).

Have you met my daughter, Don Rickles?

Obama's ahead in the polls that count(opposed to the "Fox News Text-Message Poll," which declare McCain Thunderdome Dominator after every debate).

Let's take a political respite and enjoy some mental sorbet. Allow me to introduce you to Insult Throwdown Master, my eight year old daughter:

TWO TRUE STORIES

• I love Target. Besides selling babydolls that gurgle, "Islam is the Light"('allegedly'), they offer kickass, cheap clothes. Like my new, $39.99 bomber jacket. Fake leather, faux fur and as Isaac Mizrahi would say, "FABULOUS!" Girlie-girl takes one look at me, rolls her eyes and says, "Mom. You look like you hiked up a mountain...and then fell down it." (insert rim shot here)

• Family dinner at Chili's. Girly-girl is seven. I notice my fork is fubar -- skewed tines, bent handle. I show it to Cute Blond Waitress, who says, "I wonder how THAT happened??" Girlie-girl deadpans, "Maybe they used it to shave Daddy's back."

You can catch Girlie-girl this weekend at Yuk-Yuk's in Desmoines. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Your daily George: When people say "Clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit. (NAPALM & Silly Putty, by George Carlin)

"It's the plumber! I've come...to fix...the election!!"

Remember "The Electric Company?" Morgan Freeman? Rita Moreno? Bill Cosby?

I kinda felt like I was watching a bizarro kids' show during Wednesday night's debate. My drinking game relied entirely on "Maverick" and "My Friends," so by the end of the night, I was completely sober. "Joe the Plumber?" Really? Wow. I think he was mentioned like, 86 times.

So, all I could think about yesterday was, "It's the plumber! I've come -- to fix -- the sink!" God Bless America-and-YouTube, because I found the original cartoon in 30 seconds.

Only I see it this way: McCain's the guy banging on the door, desperately trying to get in and throw a wrench in Obama's campaign. Obama's the parrot -- cool, unruffled, and all "la-la-la, I can't hear you....Who is it?'" ad infinitum until Grampy loses it. And by "it," I mean the Election.

Polly wants you to click here, cracker ---> TEC- The Plumber


Your Daily George: Suggested bumper sticker We Are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem is Sufficient that He Doesn't Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car(NAPALM & Silly Putty, George Carlin).

Really? Is this all you got? C'mon...really??

I just made a sign:

ILLINOIS UNITARIANS
! AGAINST !
FAT, UGLY, SPECIAL PEOPLE
FOR PALIN

Hey, gotta fight fire with brimstone...

Your Daily George: Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere(from Napalm and Silly Putty, by George Carlin).

For the love of Buddy Christ...

I miss George Carlin.

He would have so much to say about this election. No, I don't think he's spinning in his grave over it. Hardly. More likely, there's a big poker game going on in Heaven right now with George, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes... They're all shootin' the shit, chewin' on a stogie and laughing their asses off at us poor bastards.

Stewart and Colbert are just as brilliant but not as blunt. Carlin didn't need to wrap the funny in a glossy, sweet-smelling package. I imagine John Stewart smells like a Pottery Barn candle; Colbert...Mmm, not so much. More like a Potty. Or a Barn (I kid because I love). Nope, Carlin was a man with a microphone on a stage in a room.

You know, I think a little Daily Dose of Carlin would be nice right now. I'm going to end my posts for a while with some of my favorite Carlin bits. Starting with this one:

I have a problem with married people who carry their babies in backpacks or frontpacks or slings, or whatever those devices are called. Those baby-carrying devices that seem designed to leave the parent's hands free to sort through merchandise. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers, is it too much trouble to ask you to hold the fuckin' kid? Are you so busy picking out consumer goods and reaching for your credit card that you can't hold the baby? It's not an accessory or a mall appliance. It's a baby("Napalm and Silly Putty", by George Carlin).