He's the Christmas tree ornament of which we do not speak.

"Oh, Lord! Why hast thou forsaken me!"

And the Lord said, "Excuse me?"

And the not-quite-as-smart-as-a-bag-of-mud Christmas ornament said, "Thou hast neglected to give me a birth name, O Lord!"

And the Lord did say, "Wait, who are you again?"

And pelt-head did say unto the Lord,
"I am the poor, the meek, the forgotten. My Mother says I'm special, but my friends call me Special Ed.
O Lord! Why dost thou refuse to properly name me?? Must I forever be mocked by the other ornaments? Must I forever be called, 'The Fuzzy Tampon of Christmas Past?'"

And the Lord did roll his eyes and sigh.
"Oh, for the love of me. FINE. Okay, um...thinking...thinking...okay, 'Phillies Blunt'."

And Phillies did smile. For he was proud of his new, God-given name. Which, unbeknownst to Philly, was Heavenly slang for a certain Christmas greenery that makes the Angels' brownies especially delicious.

And the Lord said, "Well, there's 30 seconds of my life I won't get back."

Phillies Blunt.
A little Dazed and Confused, but right with God. He thinks. Shhhhh! Don't crush his dreams.


  1. I thought I was "Special Ed." I've never been called the "Furry Tampon of Christmas Past", though. I have had the rare "Douche Bag" thrown my way, so "Furry Douche Bag of Festivus" would probably be accurate.

  2. I'm afraid to ask what Festivus um..."activities"...one participates in if one is the "Furry Douche Bag of Festivus."

    HA!! My GOD, is this funny. Never before in the history of human events, has one Christmas ornament inspired so much hilarious Tomfoolery. Or, should I say, "hilarious Special Ed Furry Douchebaggery!" :D Is it me?? I'm DYING over here!

  3. PS I mean, between this and the Facebook ornament album comments, my postpartum bladder can't TAKE it! (Ok, I'm like, nine years postpartum but I kinda neglected the Kegels, you know?)