1/7 UPDATE: Girly Girl just reminded me that she had previously changed "Happy Hands'" name to "Rocket In My Pocket."
As many of you know, my nine year old daughter is not a fan of the Hannah Montana. Or the High School Musical. In fact, she renamed the HSM kids. I'll let you guess the identity of: "Happy Hands," "Flesh Lump Eater," "Afro McGaffro," "Man/Woman" and "Poop Face."
I quake at the thought of her reaction to this new show:
(Click the image. And, I'm sorry.)
Oh, it's bad. How bad? Well, let's start with the title. "Clique Girlz." "Clique," as in, a trio of skinny, pretty, blond girlz whoz aspirationz include getting boyfriendz and being superstarz.
It's absolutely a 30-minute commercial for all the cheap, tacky crap soon to hit WalMart, Target and ToysRUs. Little blond dollz in slutty clothez and whorish makeup. And really, really bad music CDz. At least Bratz dolls had some ethnic variety. Flava Dolls had ethnic variety AND street cred. I'd like to know what TV exec came up with this story idea. I'll bet you a bald-headed Barbie(designed by Girly Girl) it was a bunch of middle-aged men who never had kidz. Certainly, never had daughterz. Assholz.
Ok, let's move on to the accompanying music video, "I'll Be Your Boyfriend," performed by NKOTB. Only, they're really New MEN On The Block. What are they now, 40?? It'd be hilarious if it weren't for the pedophile factor. Yeah, I love the lyric, "It ain't statuatory rape if I LOVES you, girl." The next single to drop is, "I'll Pay For Your Abortion."
Now, I have absolutely nothing against the little girl actors. You can't blame them for accepting the roles. Neither should we fault the parents of these actors; they just want their kids to be happy and I'm sure they consider this a stepping stone to success, whatever that means for them. I don't know the girls' real names, but their characters sound lovely: "Destinee," "Paris," and "Ariel." Those names are so un-originally stupid, they're insulting to all little girls who will watch this show. And sadly, there will be many.
No, I'm pissed at the creators of this puke, and the TV exec who signed off on it. Yes, it'll make coin, but I'll bet you a Barbie melted in a citronella candle (designed by Girly Girl), they could have exercised a few more brain cells and created a smart, creative show for smart, creative girls who would absolutely spend their parent's money on smart, creative toys.
*1/8 Girly Girl's Reaction:
ON THE NAME, "CLIQUE GIRLZ":
.
ON THE SHOW: It's like a giant turd in the toilet that Dad just pooped out.
ON THE CHARACTERS' NAMES, "DESTINEE," "PARIS," AND "ARIEL":
One, they have bad spelling.
Two, Ariel is a giant mermaid and she(the actress) is NOTHING like Ariel. She's like Ursula. Three, I bet she(Paris) didn't even COME from Paris! Paris is beautiful and she is just...ugly. Well, I wouldn't say, 'ulgly;' I would say... just, 'not pretty.'
ON THEIR SINGING: It sounded like Brittney Spears with her head in the toilet.
INTERJECTION BY BUDDY BOY: They're like a younger version of Miley Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus acts like she's 30.
GIRLY GIRL: I wish I could just 'Clique' them off!
BB: It's like someone ate a bunch of Bratz dolls and pooped 'em out.
MOM: Why do you think they make shows like this?
GG: So they can get like, money.
MOM: What would you LIKE to see?
GG: The only other shows I'd wanna see those girls in is 'Celebrity Rehab' or 'The Soup.'
MOM: *stifling laughter* No, I mean, what kind of different SHOWS would you like to see?
GG: *giggling* Those girls being shot by that guy who has the accent...and who is like, really big...?
MOM: Arnold Schwarzenegger??
GG: *cracking up* YEAH!
BB: *cracking up* Clique Girlz doing Pro Wrestling!
MOM: *getting a little irritated* No, SERIOUSLY. What kind of DIFFERENT show would you like to see?
BB: *convulsing with laughter* Clique Girlz on Predator!!
GG: *uncontrollable giggling* "No, ALIEN vs. Predator!"
GG: *trying to scroll up on the MAC* Wait, go back to the picture so I can look at their clothes... *looking at image of Clique Girz on this post* Ewwww!! Why does she have her hand on her butt?? It's either she's scratchin' it or she's pickin' it.
MOM: *sensing interview has entered the River of No Return* Ok, we're done.
NFVWW would like to apologize to the child actors who play the roles of 'Destinee,' 'Paris' and 'Ariel.' I'm sure they are intelligent, witty and charming and only ACT like they have the IQ of a bag of mud, because that's how their characters are written. By a bunch of Assholz.
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Posts
I think they took those character names from the ladies/former "dancers" of Rock of Love.
ReplyDeleteTina Fey should write a kid's show.
Anonymous. Dude. You may be the first one I "delete." Congratulations!! Because of religious reasons, I don't eat SPAM.
ReplyDeletePS "Mohammed t-shirt art from Sweden" sounds really bad. Like, really, REALLY bad. Seriously, dude.
ReplyDeleteErin - that is an EXCELLENT idea! Anybody know Tina's agent? EMail? Tina, if you're reading this (Bwaaa-ha-ha-haaa!! Yeah, RIGHT!), your two biggest fans respectfully request that you do a kids' show. For girls.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right on with this post,
ReplyDeleteand I am with you, APPALLED. What
is WRONG with this country?
First of all, I would like to say that your kids are delightful. If I ever decided to branch out from cats and have kids, I would want them to be like yours.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I just watched that clip for the first time and I laughed and I laughed. I can't believe how much kids' TV has changed since I was a kid, which wasn't that long ago. If I had seen the ad for Clik Gurrrrlz when I was a young, very cute girl, I would've been like, "What the hell is this shit?" What happened to good kids' shows, like Pete & Pete and Salute Your Shorts and Clarissa Explains It All -- shows that use "S"s. Shows that are weird and interesting and don't involve make-up or tour buses.
"Happy Hands," "Flesh Lump Eater," "Afro McGaffro," "Man/Woman" and "Poop Face."
ReplyDeleteHappy Hands = Sharpay's brother
Afro McGaffro = Colton
Man / Woman = Zac Effron? lol
Flesh Lump Eater = Sharpay?
Poop Face = Vanessa
Am I close?
HAhahahaha!!
ReplyDeleteOk, lemme see if I remember it right:
"Rocket in my Pocket"(frmrly known as "Happy Hands"): Zac Effron. Girlie Girl hears me singing all the songs from "West Side Story" all the time. Dance numbers included.
"Flesh Lump Eater": blond chickie who got the nose job. "Because her nose looks like a flesh lump!" From the mouths of babes...(although I really do like this actress, because she seems funny and was honest about the 'job. Wish I could remember her name).
"Man/Woman": the little blond boy who wears the cap all the time and might really enjoy Ricky Martin. And Liza Minelli. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
"Poop Face": Vanessa
see now when i thought happy hands i thought of sharpay's brother because he's super gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and loves drama and putting on shows.
ReplyDeleteokay so i did pretty good.
Oh and Ashley Tisdale is the actress you are thinking of. Why did she end up getting a nose job. Agreed she seems like the only down to earth / person with class out of the whole bunch. I think she's actually from NJ. I'd rather have people like her representing the state. Don't get me started on Tara Reid!
ReplyDeleteOh, poor little Tara Reid. Poor little alcoholic Tara Reid. I want to put her up in my guest room, feed her and make silly stuffed animal videos. Srsly, some kids just grow up too fast.
ReplyDeleteOkay, this clinches it...I am definitely raising Lilja in a cave from now on. Either that or I will bring her to Crystal Lake to be raised by GirlyGirl herself. She...is...the....MASTER!
ReplyDeleteDad will LOVE his cameo in that conversation! *cracking up* And a new high bar in diplomacy, "I wouldn't say ugly, I would say...just not pretty."
ReplyDeleteErin - thank you for your nice comment about the monkeys. I must say, I concur. :) They are truly the funniest people I know. I'd like to think I have a little to do with it, but the pretty much busted out of my uterus this way.
ReplyDeleteSrsly, this shit is the most abhorrent shit I've seen. Didja notice how their hair is dyed the same fugly shade of blonde? What, their natural hair isn't "cute" or "hot" enough? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
And the one Clickwah is drinking a Diet Effing Coke?? She's like, 82 pounds. You can't give 'em a juice box? Maybe some vitamin water in a cool sports bottle? These are growing girls, for God's sake.
And their booty-bumpin', freakin'-on-the-dance floor "dance" moves?? Horr. i. bull. My and my limited dance experience could choreograph better, cooler dance moves for these LITTLE GIRLS.
Erin, here's something else to make ya choke: Girly Girl and I were clothes shopping -- and and I swear I am not making this up -- "Baby Phat" bell bottom, low rise jeans that CAME WITH little matching underpants with thong-like elastic that is supposed stick up over the waistband of the jeans.
Ok, shame on Kimora but double-shame on whatever Mom would buy this designer hooker-wear for their little girls. Mom, are you comfortable with the kind of attention your daughter WILL get in this outfit?
If you'll excuse me, I have a headache in my eye and have to lie down now...
January 11, 2009 2:57 PM